So infatuated

I met, what seems to be, the most wonderful guy ever. He is so thoughtful, kind, and he seems genuine but I am so scared to let my feelings go…because I am afraid that I don’t deserve someone like this…and after all the bad experiences I have had with guys, I don’t know if he is for real or if he’s just really good at acting. I am afraid because my feelings are developing too quickly…I guess I’m in that “honeymoon” phase but I know it won’t last forever. I wish I could stop my feelings and just be able to assess the situation with a clear mind so that I don’t do anything rash or make any mistakes…but my heart is just so strung up. I can’t control it.

His name is Daniel. It has only been a week. Last Friday (Good Friday/Velky Patek), we met for the first time. A few months ago I had reactivated my Tinder, I was just bored and looking for something to do…and at best meet new people. It’s so weird because for the past few months, I have just been so thankful for how far God has brought me in my emotional growth. Up until, I would say, last year, I was so insecure. I cared so much what people thought about me. I wanted them to think I: was attractive, smart, funny, easy to get along with…etc. I sought validation in men because I always felt like I was ugly. Every time I went out I would look at every girl and in my head feel sad because I thought of how pretty every woman was and how ugly I was in contrast, so I mostly used Tinder as a way to boost my ego and I hoped to meet new people who I could be friends with.

My private Czech teacher had been telling me that I needed to practice my Czech or it would never get better…and I should try to make Czech friends…so in my foolishness, I thought I could find that through Tinder. I made my profile and I wrote on there: ” I am from Canada, I am a student. I’m just looking for friends and to meet new people. I am mostly here to practice my Czech. Males and females welcome. ”  At first, I set the age limit to really high (37-50 years old) because I was trying to avoid seeing people I knew on there (or them seeing me) and I especially wanted to avoid seeing this Italian guy that I’ve been talking on and off too. With the Italian guy, I like him a lot as a friend…At some point, I had started to like him…or think that I could maybe pursue something more with him but one day, when I was really feeling the idea, I invited him over to spend the weekend. Normally, I wouldn’t. I felt like he had been too fast with me…but I wanted to explore this idea. He basically said “listen, I like you but you live too far (an hour and a half away) and I don’t want to change my routine or schedule for you, plus you don’t want to have sex with me and I don’t see how a relationship without sex would be different than having a dog”, or something along those lines. That hurt me so much because I invited him over for the weekend, against my better judgement, to give it a chance and to allow the opportunity to at least get a little bit physical. Anyway, after that, I had 0 feelings for him…but I think he later started to like me again and I just wanted to avoid seeing him on Tinder.

So anyway, Daniel messaged me on Tuesday night (April 16th). He asked me what I was doing in Hradec Kralove. Now the normal me would have just unmatched him at that point because I HATE it when guys ask me questions of which the answers are on my profile. It shows me that they didn’t even bother to read my profile. Meanwhile, I had read his profile (I barely looked at his photos), and he seemed interesting and like we had a lot of common interests so I swiped right…but I didn’t unmatch him. I remember telling myself, “oh just be cool”, so I told him to go read my profile with a smiley face. He read it, came back, and then we started talking. He told me about his travels, we talked about Czech culture, what I liked to do…then he asked me if I wanted to speak in Czech. I said okay.

We talked late into the night and then he told me he had to go to bed so he said good night. Then on Wednesday, he messaged me to say Good morning and resumed our conversation in Czech. He then gave me his Whatsapp and told me to add him if I felt like it. We were talking, and I just thought the conversation was okay, nothing great but I added him on Whatsapp because it was easier to speak through there. He asked me if I wanted him to correct my Czech and I said yes, and we continued speaking about food, culture …etc. He then asked me if I wanted to meet up on Good Friday because it was a bank holiday.

The normal me would have said no. Usually, I like to talk to guys for a while before I meet up with them, just to know where their heads are at, if we share the same values, and if we want the same thing…and most importantly, if I should waste my time…but I don’t know why, I said yes! I guess I just saw it as an opportunity to speak Czech with an actual Czech person that wasn’t a medical student…and I had nothing planned for Good Friday anyway, other than studying, so we made plans to meet in the morning.

On Thursday, I dressed so cute and I was feeling myself…so I asked if we could meet then instead. Mind you, I wasn’t expecting anything out of this…but I guess I just wanted someone to see me looking cute. He told me he was busy until past 8pm and he didn’t think it would good to meet strangers that late. I thought that was weird, because normal Czech guys would just say, okay, let’s go for a beer…but whatever.

So Velky Patek came, and I went to meet him. He showed up and I was shocked because he was really handsome. In his pictures, man…that guy doesn’t know how to flatter himself in photos. Meanwhile, I looked like a bum. Again, I just imagined this as a Czech conversation class, so when we went to the cafe, I wanted to pay for my own drinks, he wouldn’t let me. We went to sit outside, and we started speaking Czech. I was sitting with the sun facing me directly. We spoke Czech slowly, and he was so patient and kind correcting me. We talked about shallow things like what we liked to do, what we like to eat (since we both love and are adventurous with food), I found out that he loves cooking… etc. He had traveled a lot and was a great swimmer and diver. I told him that I hadn’t traveled much…and I haven’t even gone to many places in the Czech Republic. Then we talked about more deep things like what our goals were, our families, why he had been single for 2 years…etc. He told me about his past, the things he did that he was ashamed of. He was even ashamed to tell me because he thought I’d judge him…but I didn’t judge him and I was so glad he was honest with me. The thing that stuck out to me the most was how kind and patient he was. I started complaining about how hot the sun was so he switched sides with me. I could literally see the sweat beading on his his face and he got sunburned because of it.

He then brought out a bunch of worksheets that he had found on the internet that he thought would help me and began to explain them so patiently to me. I didn’t expect someone to put in so much effort for the first meeting. I was in awe. Then he had to leave because he wanted to help his dad move. Before he did, he offered to drop me wherever I wanted, but I said no and walked to school. I had such a great time meeting him. He messaged me later telling me he had a great time also and he sent me a playlist that he had made specifically for me which contained good Czech movies with English subtitles so that I could practice listening to Czech. I didn’t expect him to do so much work for me. I was so happy. He then asked me if I would like to go to Podebrady with him the next day since I said I hadn’t been to many places in the Czech Republic. I was like ohhh, I’ve been to Podebrady many times, I teach there every Saturday but I just go to teach and leave. He told me that he had only been once and at night time so he doesn’t remember it much, so we could explore it together. He had to watch his auntie’s dog, and she lived 6km away from Podebrady so we could go to podebrady together then he would leave to watch her dog. I said okay. I didn’t give a shit about Podebrady but I wanted to spend more time with a guy who was so nice to me.

Saturday

Daniel came to pick me up at 9:30 and we went to Podebrady. We spent the whole day there. There was an Italian cars festival…etc. We walked around a lot, we talked a lot. He told me the names he has decided for his future kids, he told me that he wants to live in Hradec…He told me the 5 most important qualities he wants in a woman. He was still sunburned from the day before, and then he got sunburned again on Saturday. We went to the Podebrady museum, then we went to lunch at a Czech Restaurant. It was buffet style. He found this amazing restaurant which has I don’t know 5 stars, and he wanted us to eat there. He really wanted me to try typical Czech food but the restaurant was closed, so we ended up going to that buffet. The normal me would have gone up for so many rounds, but with Daniel, I didn’t feel like I had to stuff my face. I wasn’t trying to give the false impression that I didn’t eat a lot, but I had already been feeling insecure about my weight after looking at my old pics from when I was bodybuilding to now when I have gained like 10 pounds…and I wanted to lose it. When we were eating, we were talking a lot so I was eating a lot slower and drinking more water, so I felt so full even though I barely ate anything, and I tried stuff off his plate too. At the end of the day, I took the train home. My phone was almost dead and he wanted to give me his power bank but I didn’t take it. I told him I would probably fall asleep on the train. He looked at when the train was supposed to arrive in Hradec, then he started messaging me to wake up so I wouldn’t miss my stop. I didn’t message him because my phone was dead. 2 hours later he was worried, and I finally messaged him and he was happy. When I got into Hradec, I went and bought some sunscreen for him. Throughout the date, Daniel didn’t ask for anything. He didn’t push me for a hug, he didn’t ask me to kiss him, he didn’t even ask to hold my hand. I appreciated that because I had never been with a guy who wasn’t asking for something after the 1st date, especially when they pay for your meal. We messaged through the night then he asked me to go for a picnic with him on Sunday. He would pick me up after church. I told him I would but then later, I realized I wanted to study so I asked him if I could cancel the picnic. He told me it was okay since I’m here for my school first and everything else last…but if I had some free time and needed a study break, I should let him know because he really wanted to see me

Sunday

I went to church and then to school to studied. I studied for about 6 hours then I had enough and I messaged Daniel that I was free. He wanted to pick me up from uni, but I went home to change first. I was wearing a crop top with a deep cleavage and a mini skirt. Damn, my boobs looked so good. I wanted to look sexy for him, but he never stared at my cleavage (or at least, I don’t think he did…if he did, he must be really slick). I gave him the sunscreen I bought for him and he was really shocked and happy. I told him I needed to get some things from the mall first. He drove me to the mall (AGAIN, I WASN’T EXPECTING HIM TO DO ALL THIS DRIVING FOR ME, I KNOW GAS ISN’T CHEAP), then drove me back home to drop the things off, then we went for a walk. We walked and talked for a long time, and then we went to sit by the river. He took off his jacket at laid it on the ground so I wouldn’t have to sit on the grass. He left the entire jacket for me, but I was like no, there’s room and I scooched over so he could sit. We talked and talked and then I insisted on taking a photo. I took a photo of the scenery and I insisted we take a selfie. And we took our first selfie together (he hates photos, but he looked really nice in this one). Then he walked again. He took off his hoodie and gave it to me because I was freezing…so he froze instead. We talked about everything and he showed me the constellations. We spent about 5 hours together, and when we got back to my place, he kissed me on the cheek. I wasn’t expecting. It was just a light brush of his lips across my cheek, but it felt nice. Since the first day I met Daniel, I had been noticing his lips. I NEVER NOTICE GUY’S LIPS, but I had been staring at them. They were pink and looked so soft and so nice, I wanted to kiss him so much since the first day and I have never been like a kissy person. I don’t think I’m good at it so I like to avoid it, but I wanted to kiss Daniel.

When I got inside, he messaged me saying that he was sorry he didn’t ask about the kiss. He didn’t want to scare me but he wanted to show me he liked me and a kiss seemed like a good way how. I told him I didn’t mind. I told him that on Monday, I won’t be able to hang out, I needed to study

Monday

I left my house so late to go study. Daniel was messaging me and telling me to go study, that I needed to do at least 6 hours so he could see me. I didn’t leave my house till past 3…then, I went to Taz’s house. I had planned some picnic with Taz and another guy at the church and Botshelo but the weather was bad so I asked Taz if we could just eat pizza at her place. I wasn’t planning to see Daniel that day, but he texted me around 4 asking if I’d like to go golfing with him at 5…but since I hadn’t left my house till almost 4, and I had done 0 studying, I said no. I went to Taz’s house hoping to study at least 2 hours, but we ended up watching a movie…Then I ordered Pizza and Ed came over and we ate and talked for a bit. I realized I wasn’t doing any work and I wanted to see Daniel instead so I left the “picnic” early and I told Daniel I was free and that I have a pizza for him. He came to pick me up and since I, again, wasn’t dressed appropriately for the weather, he took me home. I changed into jeans, a sweater and a tshirt and i took my mittens and we went for a walk. Each time I was near him, I could smell him. He smelled so nice. Normally, I HATE THE SMELL of guy’s cologne, but he smelled SO NICE. I found excuses to touch him.  This time we walked and talked for 4 hours. Even with my mittens on, my hands were still freezing, and I showed him, and he held my hand for the first time. His hands were so warm. He has palmar hyperhidrosis and his hands were sweating a lot, and I could tell he was feeling self consciocous, but the sweat didn’t bother me, I was just glad he was holding my hand. I could feel myself getting sick as we walked and I told him. He gave me some tips and he offered to drive me to the hospital phamarcy so we could get some medicine. I said no. I didn’t want this guy to keep spending his gas on me. I told him I’d be fine He dropped me off at home and again, he didn’t ask for anything.

I messaged him telling him he smelled nice blah blah and we talked into the night. He was sad that he had to go back to work on Tuesday and this week he had to work extra hours so he wouldn’t get to see me as much.

 

Tuesday

Every morning, Daniel messages me Good morning, wishing me a good day and throughout the day he asks me how things are going and wants me to send him pictures of my day. I was falling more and more infatuated with this guy. He asked me what my plans were and I told him I planned to study the entire day. He asked me if I was feeling better and I told him my throat still itched a little bit. We talked a bit throughout while I made my notes. Then he asked me if I would have any time for him. I told him we could meet for an hour at 6, because that’s when I would be taking my study break. He came to pick me up at 6 . It was raining. Again, I wasn’t dressed appropriatley for the weather. We went to a dimly lit romantic cafe and ate some sweet things and I drank hot tea. We talked and talked and talked. Then we had some moments of silence. I asked him what he was thinking. He hesitated and bit his lip. He told me he didn’t want to tell me. I asked him why not, he told me because it could ruin the moment. I begged and begged him to say, and he hesitated. I could see he was clearly uncomfortable talking about it, so I told him he didn’t have to say it. When it was time to pay, he wanted to, but I begged him to let me treat him. I told him please, I want to treat you too, would that be okay? He hesitated and finally said yes. He looked at the time and saw that an hour had passed then he said it was time to drop me off at school. I didn’t want the date to end but he insisted that I had to study. When he dropped me off at school, he brought out a basket from his back seat. He had made me dinner because he thought I’d be hungry studying late, he had also brought me fruit, then he brought me medication for fever, different medication for sore throat and then he brought me hot tea. I almost cried. I’d never met a guy who was so caring about me. I was in so much shock. I leaned in to hug him and my lips were by his face, I could tell he wanted to kiss me, but I hesitated because I didn’t know if I should…I turned to leave the car then at the last minute I changed my mind and I turned back and kissed him. His lips were softer than I imagined and he was such as good kisser. So gentle and so sweet, just like him. The best kiss I have ever had.  Then he shyly told me that this what he was thinking about in the cafe, kissing me. I thought he was thinking about sex or something, but he was thinking about something so innocent. When I went back to school, I couldn’t stop thinking about him, and then the dilemma started.

 

Here I was catching feelings for this guy. I never intended this. I didn’t want a boyfriend right now. I couldn’t afford to be distracted. 3rd year is the year when a lot of people fail and get kicked out. Then, he was also NOT christian and my whole life I’d been raised to pursue relationships with  God fearing Christians. We were from completely different cultures and Daniel cares about some Czech traditions that I couldn’t give a crap about. We were raised differently so I know the importance of having a good common ground and a higher cause such as God because I know this chemistry and honeymoon phase wouldn’t last forever. I was feeling that we were moving too fast. We didn’t take the time to be friends first, but everything felt so right and I was so happy…but I was scared, I was nervous, and I was confused. I wanted this so much but I didn’t know if it was right. I messaged him later that night thanking him, and I told him I wouldn’t be able to meet him the next day but we needed to talk. He asked me if he should be worried because now he was scared, I told him he didn’t need to be worried.

Wednesday

I stayed in school studying all day. Daniel messaged me periodically throughout the day and asked me when I would be free, he really wanted to see me and he wanted to know what I wanted to talk about. I studied but I was distracted because I had to run a few errands so I wasn’t as effective as I needed to be. I told him I was taking a break so we could go for a walk. He drove to me and he brought me a muffin because he thought I might be hungry. We went for a walk by the school and he held my hand again. He told me he was embarrassed because he was sweating. I told him I didn’t care, it’s just sweat. He told me that when we first met, he was so nervous to meet me because he was scared that his English wasn’t that good and that I was too pretty for him. I was shocked. Throughout the walk and just throughout the week, Daniel would say and do things that made me realize that he wasn’t just this way with me, he was this way with everyone. He was just a kind and thoughtful person. I felt myself falling fast. I couldn’t even catch myself. I would stop throughout the walk to kiss his cheek, to hug him, to tell him how much I appreciated how kind and thoughtful he was to me. He stopped me and started smiling so widely. I asked him what he was thinking about. He told me he was so happy. I asked him why, and he said because I think you like me. I couldn’t stop liking this guy! He asked me what I wanted to talk about, I didn’t have the courage to bring it up so I told him I’d message him about it. He was so worried. We kissed again. I didn’t want to pull away. After an hour and a half, I was back in school studying. I messaged Daniel to tell him what a good time I had. He told me he did too but I should tell him what I wanted to talk about. I poured out my heart. I told him how I felt I was falling too fast, how I liked him so much and it felt so good to be with him but I was confused , how I didn’t know what he wanted from this and that when things move too fast, they fizzle out fast. He told me that things are moving fast but when you meet someone special, it can happen like that. He told me that he doesn’t agree that things burn out quickly when they start quickly. He told me that he thinks about me all the time, he misses me all the time, he looks at our photo together 1000 times. He told me that about the future, he didn’t want to scare me but: “I want you to be my girlfriend, and want to take care about you a want to treat you, I want tell you my biggest secrets, I want wake up next to you. I want to get you know as no one before.
If you want to slow down and don’t see me as often I am fine with that. You have got as much time as you want, I don’t want to lose you.
You don’t talk too much I mean it is good to be open and honest from start.”

 

These were his exact words, I almost cried. I told him I want the same things too but in my church we had learned that you should be friends with a person first otherwise when the chemistry dies you guys wouldn’t work when you start having problems. I told him that I had always said I’d never be in a relationship with a guy that I wasn’t friends with first, but here I was considering these things with him, blah blah. He said: “I have never thought about it like I should be friends with someone first. I think we have lot of things in common.
I would never tell you that I don’t want to spend time with you anymore. My feelings are true so I like you as much as I told you. I couldn’t let you go.
I don’t know how to solve it because I think we can’t become friends now and then start from beginning. I like you too much for that. I would be sad if I couldn’t hold your hand, hug you and kiss you. I mean if exists anything what I can do to feel you better tell me I’ll do it.”

I agreed, I couldn’t go back to not hugging, not holding hands, and not kissing his sweet sweet lips. I told him we could try it but please lets hold off on the more physical stuff. I don’t want to move fast with that (to be honest, I think about sex with Daniel so much but I have waited this long to have sex, and have been waiting till I get married, but I think about it with him so much…but I know I shouldn’t do this with him).

He said: “No worries I am much more interested about you as a person than you body. I promise you that I won’t do anything until you will tell me or you will do it first. You have as much time as you need.”

I was more infatuated than ever! We talked a bit more then good night.

Thursday.

I wish I never went to that stupid dinner. I promised Daniel that I’d make him lunch. He told me I didn’t have to and I shouldn’t because I need to study. He’s worried about my exams and doesn’t want me to fail. I’m so worried about my exams but I wanted to make him something. I went home after the hospital and made him salmon rice and veggies. He came to pick me up at 6 because I wanted to give him the food. I told him I had a dinner at 7 and he wanted to spend that hour with me. We walked and talked. I don’t know why, but I was feeling shy that day. Then he dropped me off, I kissed him, and I couldn’t pull away. I told him that I needed a break that I didn’t want to see him Friday and Saturday so that I could focus on my studies, then on Sunday, we could have a day together. He says it’s so far away but he agrees. I got out of the car, then got back in to keep kissing his cheeks because he was so sweet. I went to the dinner. While I was there, Daniel messaged me saying he could still feel my kisses on his cheek. My heart melted. The dinner was some Christian thing with this Christian missionary couple. I didn’t want to go but my friend had invited me and because I like my friend, I went. I wish I didn’t go. Normally, the couple would do some “discipleship training” but this time they put themselves in the hot seat and said we could ask any questions we wanted…and of course, some girl had to go ask about their relationship, how they met etc. They started talking and they didn’t say anything wrong. No one at that table knew I was dating but everything they were saying was making me cry because how they melt was all bible this at some bible conference then they started doing mission work together blah blah. It was too christiany, and I felt like I was doing something wrong with Daniel because we didn’t have this. We met on tinder and then we were kissing.

I left the dinner and my heart hurt so much. Why could something that feel so good be so bad? Why was a man who was SO GOOD to me so bad for me? I burst out crying then I went to see Katrin, a friend of mine who had been in the exact same situation, and after years of fighting it and pushing the guy off because he wasn’t christian, she decided to date him. I wanted to hear her experience because I had been there, I had seen how much it had hurt her to say no to him, how much she had cried. We talked for over an hour and then we prayed together, I felt better.

I hadn’t been answering Daniel the whole night because I was busy. By the time I finished at Katrin’s, I had missed the bus so I started the 45 min walk home at almost midnight. Daniel messaged me to tell me he loved what I cooked and he gave it a 4/5 on the Daniel scale (a joke we have…apparently the broccoli could have been cooked better). I didn’t want to tell Daniel what happened but I decided to . With every other guy, I always want to impress them so I lie or I don’t know, because I want them to like me. With Daniel, I just want to be my raw honest self and have him see me and decide if he likes me…and I pray he would…so I decided to tell him everything that happened at the dinner and afterwards. He wa shocked. He said he didn’t know Christians were that strict. I told him that I felt better and that I don’t know what the future holds but I know I enjoy how I feel now, and as long as I don’t get distracted from my studies, I want to enjoy what we have now.

I told him I was walking home alone. He freaked out like it’s so dark blah blah. It’s not safe. I told him I’d be okay. He told me he would come pick me up but he drank a glass of wine and in the Czech Republic, the alochol limit for driving is so low. I said it was okay. I called my mom and I put her on speaker and was talking to her as I was messaing Dan. All of a sudden, around the hospital area, this guy comes and starts following really close to me, like super close. He wouldn’t leave me alone. He was asking me to follow him, I said no no I don’t speak Czech but he wouldn’t leave me alone. He tried to grab my arm. I was telling my mom this but my mom was so distracted she didn’t hear me. I messaged Daniel, he freaked out. Where are you, where are you? I didn’t respond because I was trying to deal with the guy and talking to my mom. Eventually the guy left. As I’m walking (I’m about a 20 min walk from home now), daniel starts calling my phone. I pick it up and he’s freaking out where are you. I tell him it’s fine the guy left I’m okay. He won’t stop asking where I am. I tell him to go home that it’s almost midnight, he has to work tomorrow and I don’t want him to be tired. He won’t go. He says he can’t go home till he knows i’m safe. I tell im I’ll call him when I am home. He refuses to leave. Finally I tell him where I am and in 2 seconds he’s there. I texted Daniel about the guy at around 11:13pm and at 11:18 he was there picking me up, he was dressed in his pyjamas and looked tired. My heart was melting. I complained to him that he didn’t have to come pick me up I would have been fine, I didn’t want to stress him. He said: you shoudln’t feel upset, you should feel happy that you are so important to me I want to do this. I was having a small heart attack when you told me. He apologizes and tells me not to be angry but he just was really worried and he couldn’t have lived with himself if something happened to me and he could have stopped it but didn’t. I can’t stop thankfing him, he drives me home and drops me off. We don’t kiss. When he gets home I’mt exting him and I can’t stop thanking him for what he did for me. He tells me he would do this for everyone he knows. We talk past midnight and then we fall asleep.

I like this guy so much SOOOO MUCH. He is so perfect and so good to him. I want to love him so much. I want to kiss him, I want to always be there for hm, I want to be his best friend. I want to support him. Iwant so much and it’s too early to be wanting all these things…but he wants the same.

Friday,

I miss Daniel so much. I didn’t see him the whole day. He was messagine me a lot at first but then he stopped. I started panicking, what if he is talking to someone else, what if he is bored of me. I study for a few hours then I call my brother and we talk about it for a while. After I finsih the call I see a message from Daniel: I have been thinkign about you the whole day but I didn’t want to distrub you because you are studying. MY heart melts even more and i realize I was worried for nothing and imagning the worst.

Saturday,

I don’t see Daniel again. I miss him so much but I had a lot to do today. He asks if we can meet, I say we can’t because I need to do many things and I need to study. He says okay. I forgot my lunch at home, he made lunch for me and wanted to come drop it off at the hospital for me. I tell him no and I promsie to eat a good lunch. We talk here and there. He is planning our date tomorrow. He’s gonna cook for me and we will watch some Czech movies. He’s so happy he gets to spend the day with me tomorrow. I make pancakes for Kristyna and Marketa and I go to Tyna’s house and I spill the beans. They both had similar experiences and they tell me to end it. It hurts so much. They say that nothing good comes out of it. Kristyna is going through th exact same thing now and it is hurting her so much and she doesn’t know how to end it. Krystina comes up with a plan, that we ask our guys for a 3 week break (because it apparently takes 21 days to break a habit) where we will note see or message them for 3 weeks…and if after 3 weeks the feelings aren’t gone, then we can message them and take it from there. I agree to the plan, but I don’t know if I can do it. We agree to start on Monday. All I’m thinking about is spending the day with Daniel tomorrow. I can’t wait to see him, but I have to do this. My heart is breaking. He will probably find someone else.

All my other friends tell me not to miss out on this and just enjoy it for what it is. My mom and brother have also been in the loop the whole time. Bro has just been giving me advice. Mom wants me to end it and choose God and focus on my  studies.

I don’t know how I can end it, especially after I have promised to meet him May 1st for this Czech tradition where guys kiss their girlfriends under blooming Cherry trees and I agreed to go to a movie with him on Thursday.

No clue

The problem right now is that I have a teacher at school coming on to me. He’s married, and he messages me telling me he fantasizes about me and wants to have sex with me. It’s wrong and I am in a difficult place. I had so much respect for him and he always helped me by listening to my school problems and offering advice like how to study better, how to review my notes and such. He was a friend. I don’t want to lose this support but I know that I can’t keep talking to him. Why does shit like this happen to me? I never get hit on my normal good guys. It’s always married people, or guys just looking for sex and not more. What is wrong with me?

Rains – The Droplets Cont’d

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books, brazil, Europe, favela, novellas, novels, rain, short stories, Stories, writer, writers block, writing

“Mama, I am home!”

Catalina walked to the room that her mother spent most of her days in. She looked to see her mother laying on the small mattress on her side, sniffling. Her mother wasn’t much older than her, only a 16 years difference. Her father had died in a motor accident when she was 12 so she and her mother had had to survive on their own.

Catalina remembered how her mother used to work all day and night when she was younger so that they could have something to eat. She would go out early in the morning and come back past midnight. Her small income had supported both of them fairly well. Her mother had still been working until three years ago, when she had given birth to Thiago, her brother.  Soon after the birth, her mother had become very sick. They had spent the little money they had saved trying to find out the problem, going from one doctor to another, buying one medication after another to no result. Cancer.

Mama laid bedridden for most of Thiago’s infant years.  Since her Thiago’s birth, they had to rely increasingly on mama’s man friend Senhor Pereira, whom Catalina hated more than anything. He had been a knife in her chest  since she was 15, since he and mama started seeing each other. A wave of nausea griped her as she remembered the coldness of his hands as he clamped down on her skin, the raggedness of his heavy breath as he forced himself on her. This was a burden she had to endure, and she couldn’t even tell mama. Senhor Pereira was a monster, but he provided…She sucked in her breath, swallowed deeply and composed herself, turning her attention back to mama.

“Mama, what is wrong?” questioned Catalina with concern.

She walked around the small mattress to see her mother’s eyes swollen and red from crying. She was a hollow shadow of what she once was. The h lustrous black hair which had once been thick, long, and full of silky curls now hung in lifeless gray strands. Mama kept her head wrapped out of shame.

“Nothing” replied her mother, wiping her eyes as she did so. She pasted a smile on her lips and sat up on the mattress with much effort. “I could not get up from bed today, my legs are on fire. The pain is too much” she said.

The doctors had said that without treatment, the cancer would spread, but where was the money for treatment. They could barely afford the cost of a trip to Brasilia for an operation and mama could not endure a long bus ride. Where would the money come for treatment.  Catalina could not even afford to put her mother in a hospital. She had cried, she had begged, she had worked extra hours but money was tight and there was nothing she could do. Instead, she spent most of her money buying medicines to ease the pain and prayed.

“Catalina, just kill me now” cried her mother breathing heavily as she spoke.

“Mama, don’t talk like that. You’ll be fine. We just have to hope”. The words empty as they rolled off her tongue.

“Catalina, how foolish do you think I am? I was not born yesterday.  Where is your brother? I thought you took him to work with you today?”

“Estela would not allow it. Last time, he scattered all the dresses and we had to wash them again. I told you that I would leave him home today”.

At that moment Thiago rushed into the room breathing excitedly. He held something in his tiny hands, a big grin plastered across his tiny face.

“Mama” he said as he bounced on the mattress, “Gabbita gave me some chocolate!” He opened his hands to reveal two large lumps of melting chocolate. “I saved one for you, me and Catalina are will eat the other one together”.

“Thiago, where have you been all day? I told you to stay inside the house. Why don’t you ever listen to me, “ hissed Catalina as she pinched his ear fiercely

Thiago jerked away from her clutching his ear as he did so. “I’m not sharing my chocolate with you anymore.:

“I don’t want your chocolate, what I want is for you to be listening and obeying the instructions I give you. Why can’t you just stay at home like I tell you to? I buy you coloring materials, I buy you books, I buy you toys and you never use any of them. You’re always running around loose like you have no parents. Get off the mattress now, can’t you see mama is sick?”

Thiago ignored her as he snuggled closer to his mother.

“Don’t make me pull you off right now. “

“Catalina, Catalina, It’s alright. He is not hurting me. You are obviously tired, go rest.” Turning to Thiago, she spoke softly but sternly. “And as for you Theo, I want you to listen to whatever your sister tells you. You’re not so little that you cannot follow instructions. “

Sighing, Catalina walked out of the room in defeat. She entered the tiny kitchen and looked inside the pot on the stove to see that the rice from last night was still there. She walked to the drum of water at the corner of the kitchen and scooped enough water to reheat the rice. Reaching into one of the drawers, she brought of the matches, struck them, and lit the stove. The stifling odor of the burning charcoal stove overwhelmed her as she poured the water into the pot and covered it.

She opened the cabinet and reached to get the broken tea cup from the corner. Inside of the teacup, were her dreams and desires. She sat on the table, emptying out the money from the teacup. She had been saving this extra cash since she was 17, in hopes that she would have enough money for her family to go to America and start a new life. In America, the opportunities were boundless, and maybe they would be able to find proper treatment for mama.

Each day after work, she would empty out the money and count them to make sure none was missing. She had managed to save almost 6000 Real so far. It wasn’t much, but it was something, but each day the temptation to take out of the savings grew. There was always something that needed to be paid for, mama’s medicine, food, money so that she could take an English course, or buy some books…there was always something that needed money and she forever never had enough.

“Theo, come and eat your dinner right now” she shouted, as she scooped the rice into a bowl. She watched as Theo bounded down, chocolate smeared across his face.

“I don’t want to eat rice again”

“Well, we don’t have anything else to eat.

Rains – The droplets

Tags

brazil, Europe, favela, novels, rain, short stories, writer, writing

Catalina scurried quickly, eager to get home and escape the thunderous drops that fell from the darkened sky. The clouds overshadowed the stars and the dim streetlights barely made visible things inches away. Her sneakers slapped loudly on the dark pavement as she pulled her thin sweater closer to her body. It was unusual for rain to pour like this at this time of the year but like her mama had always said: expect the unexpected.

The weather had been misleading that morning as well as during the afternoon. The sun had been bright and it had been so hot that they could barely breathe in the sewing shop. The air had been sticky and the pungent odor of sweat had filled the tiny but crowded shop, no one had expected the rain.  She reached the shop that she had grown up in, the place she knew so well. Her home was set at the very edge of the favelas of Rio de Janeiro,  the slums of the city. The place that people longed to escape, spent their whole lives trying to escape, but never did.

At 22, she still resided with her mother. She had been so eager to move out of the favelas, to the main city, eager to find a find a job. perhaps as a secretary. Then she would make enough to send some money home to mama, but she could not. Her mother was too sick to work and she must take care of her. Shivering, she pulled open the rusty handle of the shop and entered inside the dimly lit sewing shop, shaking the rain drops off her body.

“Boa noite, Gabbita” she greeted quietly to the old woman who had manned that same cash box since she was three years old. Times had changed, but Gabbita, had not.

“Boi noite, my darling. I was just about to lock the shop. The rains came hard tonight, very unexpected. Blessings are to come from these rains” whispered Gabbita quietly, as if talking to no one in particular.

Gabbita always went in and out of these trances, one moment it seemed as though she were talking to you and then the next, she was lost in another world.

“Well, I pray for blessings Gabbita. I must go now, mama and Alejandro are waiting.”

“Of course, be careful tonight, be alert, don’t let anything catch you by surprise like the rains did. “

Catalina didn’t respond, she felt as though Gabbita may have slipped away into that imaginary world of hers. Kissing Gabbita on both cheeks, she hurried up the stairs of the shop and into the small crowded 2 room apartment that she had lived in all her life. She retrieved her key from her pocket and unlocked the door. Sighing, she entered her beloved home; the home that if anyone else were to enter, would not find so beloved.

The roof leaked constantly, the taps if producing any water at all, was often producing dirty water. There was a plumbing problem, so like other residents in the favelas, they relied on the wells. Cockroaches, and other insects never failed to infest the place. Despite its flaws, Catalina and her mother had made this place as livable as they could. The apartment was never dirty, it was always sparkling clean. They had blocked off all holes in the walls using old planks. The curtains were always crisp and bright despite the fact that they all frayed at the edges. Its minuscule size made the place more cozy and it was home.

Letting Go?

Tags

addiction, addictions, bad habits, blogging, christian, Christianity, coping, coping mechanisms, Czech, czech republic, Europe, failure, fear, fear of failure, God, journaling, med school, med school blues, med student, medical school, medical student, mental health, student, study, studying

I find myself stumbling into old bad habits again. I told myself at the start of the new year that these habits were gone for good but I only managed to last four months, and now I’m back.

I have so much pressure on my shoulders. School really just feels overwhelming. I have more final exams than everyone else, but I also happen to have the least motivation and be the least studious. No matter how much I try every day, something distracts me from studying. Even when I cut out the distractions like social media, something else always comes up – someone needs help with this, I need to do that…etc.

When I do manage to study, I sit there for hours and I get so little done. I enjoy what I study, I understand it, but it takes me a long time. When I finish a topic, I don’t review it, so I begin to forget.

Final exams are approaching rapidly and I’m naturally slipping into old destructive habits as a coping mechanism. I don’t know how to break this never chain. I’ve done everything I think I can. I’ve prayed, I’ve removed the triggers, I’ve done 21 day challenges, I’ve done so many things, but somehow, I always go back. These habits are so damaging to my self esteem, to other people’s emotions and trust, and they just hamper every aspect of my life.

I’ve been praying about everything, sometimes seriously, sometimes not…I’m so afraid that God has brought me here just to leave me. I don’t want that to happen. I enjoy my program, finally, I’m doing something I love. I found my old diary and it was just a whirlwind of emotions.

This time, about 2014, I should have been preparing to graduate from my undergrad, but my grades were terrible, I didn’t finish my courses, so I knew I had to spend at least an extra 2 years. I was so depressed. I was writing in my journal what possibilities lay ahead after graduation.

 

Some of my plans:

ns included applying to med school and moving to the Czech Republic. My grades weren’t good enough for any med school and I didn’t even know what I would be doing in the Czech Republic. I was so worried, but my mom kept telling me not to worry that God would work it out. I forgot about those plans, and somehow, when I finished in 2016, I had no clue what to do. My mom and I sat down one day to plan the possible options for me. One was med school, again, but I knew my grades weren’t good enough. I started looking for schools abroad and came across this one. This was the only school where I wasn’t too late to apply and still had a chance to do the entrance exam.

The entrance exam was one month away, and I barely had a chance to study for it…but God worked everything out and I made the cut off by just one point…My interviewer was amazing and I got accepted. IT really was just God because I DID NOT DESERVE TO BE ACCEPTED HERE IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM.

I didn’t even deserve to make it through first year…and I worked my ass off in first year. I had no life, all I did was study study study, and I barely just managed to finish my exams in time, even with how much effort I put in. I was slapped with so many failures in first year that I just learned to take them and keep rolling.

Now in second year, despite my desire not to slack, I’m slacking. I do well on all my tests and exams but I know I am in no way prepared for the finals due to my fault. I’m so scared. There’s so much to complete and so little time. I wish I could just block everyone out and focus on my studies…and I’m really anal when it comes to studying. I want to know everything about what I’m studying and to truly understand it (not cram/memorize) so it takes me so long.

This year, I’ve also been struggling with feeling God’s presence. From the start of the 2nd year, I felt like God abandoned me. In first year, especially during the summer, I felt God so close. I would spend hours doing my devotions every day, crying out to God, and I really felt his presence. I would spend hours studying the word…not reading, studying…and i would always journal what I felt God was speaking to me. As soon as I finished my exams, I felt like God left me.

Rather than being happy I had made it into 2nd year, I felt alone and depressed. I felt so lonely. I just felt this heaviness in my heart that I couldn’t shake. I tried everything, spending more time in the word, and when that didn’t work, spending so much money buying myself new things…but I just felt empty. The whole year I’ve been feeling empty. I’ve joined Bible study groups, I’ve been doing devotions, I go to church more…and I still feel like God has abandoned me.

God, why did you leave me??? I feel like he has brought me this far and I am scared he’s going to leave me. I am scared he won’t see me through my finals. I’m scared I’ll be a failure, I’m afraid of everything…

I don’t really have anyone to talk about this with except my brother. I feel my conversations with everyone else are just shallow because I don’t even know where to begin. Today, I was talking to a friend from back home and he told me that the company he works at is shutting down in May so he won’t have a job…and I realized just how selfish I’ve been. My oldest brother is also trying to find a job and make sense of his life…everyone I know is battling something…and I’m here thinking about myself.

Gossip – Finding him

Tags

Europe, Gossip, med school, mystery, romance, short stories, Stories, writer, writers block

She glanced at him above the newspaper in her hands, her fingers trembling. She tried to be inconscipous, grinding her bottom harder into the bench, as if that would make her disappear. He stood confidently a few meters away, hands in pocket, talking to another man. He seemed gigantic with his almost two meters height, towering over the other man. His trousers neatly ironed with a crease down the middle, his light blue shirt firmly tucked, collars crisp, his black unbuttoned vest hung comfortably from his shoulders. His jacket hanging from the crook of his arm. He didn’t seem to have a care in the world. How would she tell him? How could she tell him?

He removed a hand from his pocket to brush his lightly curled brown locks from his face. She remembered their silkiness as she had ran her fingers through them. Did they still feel the same? Her heart ached, thinking about those moments…she tried to push the thoughts from her mind and focus on her plan.

The gray sky seemed to grow even grayer and the distant sound of thunder could be heard in the background. It would rain soon. She could smell it in the air. His companion shook his hand, and turned to leave…maybe this was her chance to talk to him…maybe the moment was right now. After all, what could he do to her in an open park midday.

He fished into his coat pocket for a cigarette and a lighter. She knew he would find him here. This was his getaway spot, whenever he was troubled. He would wander around this park aimlessly for hours, lost in thought, unaware of anything around him. He took a long drag and sighed, his shoulders seemed to fall.

The distinct rumble of thunder grew louder. She placed the newspaper down and folded it neatly in her lap. While he looked the epitome of class and good upbringing, she looked the opposite. She glanced at her worn out sneakers, her rumpled skirt, and tattered white t-shirt. Her wild curls packed high into a messy bun. How could she even approach him looking like this?

“May I sit here miss”, the sound of  a voice interrupted her thoughts. She glanced to see an old man, cane in hand looming above her? He looked familiar.

“Of course, I was just leaving…looks like it’ll rain”. She stood up

He seemed to shake as he moved. Who was he? He struggled to retain his balance as he sat.

“Do you need help, sir?”

“Oh don’t mind me, I’m an old man but I can take care of myself. Looks like you spoke too soon” he replied as the rain started coming down. He sat down on the bench

“Are you sure you want to sit, you can catch a cold.”She could barely hear herself over the sound of the thunder and the rain pattered more heavily.

“At my age, anything can make you sick, even just breathing” he chuckled. “I like the rain, it helps me think.”

He gazed at her with piercing brown eyes that seemed to see into her soul. Who was he? She had seen him before.

“…and that young man there doesn’t seem to mind” His head titled in the Asher’s direction

She gazed up and at that moment, their eyes locked. Time seemed to stand still, with a silence that was deadening. He recognized her. She could tell.

She felt her knees buckle beneath her, and her breath catch in her throat. Suddenly, she couldn’t feel the rain anymore. She had to get away, but her feet seemed stuck. She could feel herself sweating

The old man stood up and smiled at her. He knew something.

“Ruthie?” She heard her name in the far distance, and looked to see Asher walking briskly towards her. Why did she stick out so much?

“Ruthie!”

She didn’t dare look back. She gathered her purse and began walking.

“Ruthie! Wait, where are you going” he called.

She began to ran. Her sneakers slapped along the grass. She couldn’t hear anything. She couldn’t feel anything. She couldn’t even think. She just knew that she had to get away.

She felt a strong hand on her waist and suddenly she was scooped into his arms. The back of her head banged against his solid chest.

“Ruthie! Why are you running? Why are you running”

She couldn’t breathe. He turned her to face him.

“Why are you running. Why are you here? I thought you were gone forever”

She felt the emotions that she had buried welling up. The tears flowed freely now as she gasped for air.

“He’s dead, Asher”

“Who’s dead?”

“HE’S dead. Don’t you get it? HE’S dead! It’s what you wanted isn’t it?”

Asher stilled, his green eyes filled with conflicting emotions. He released his hold on her. She expected him to say something, anything, but he just stared at her. She couldn’t breathe.

 

Café Galore?

Tags

cafe, cafes, christian, coffee, cross cafe, crosscafe, czech republic, Europe, med school, med school blues, med student, medical school, medical student, studies, study, tim hortons, timhortons

Cafés seem to be my new thing. I say this as I’m sat in upstairs in a café by the window, the aroma of dark roasted coffee and freshly baked cake hanging in the air. I peer at some of my classmates sitting around me, their eyes glued to their laptops, trying to cram every little last detail about the physiology of the gastrointestinal system into their mind just before our exam in 2 hours.

In Canada, at least where I grew up, cafés aren’t very popular. I mean we have Tim Hortons (which I heard has gone terribly downhill) where people go to get donuts, sandwiches/soup, terrible coffee, and leave. We also have Starbucks, which is more posh. People go there for their grande mocha whatevers, converse with their friends, and some of them even study there. I never understood the allure of cafés since I’m not really a coffee person, and neither is anyone in my family…but in Europe, everybody, their mamas, and their 2 evil step sisters are café and coffee aficionados.

When guys take you out on dates here, at least first dates, they don’t take you to a restaurant – they take you to a café. I always found this annoying and kind of cheap because I’m not a coffee person and I’d rather do something else…but it’s a European thing. I didn’t really discover the magic of cafes until 2018 when I made some new friends, namely SC & KM (these are obviously not their names, but I don’t know if they want to be mentioned)

Every time they wanted to meet up to talk, we had to go to a cafe…and each time, we had to get some sort of hot drink. KM would always insist on trying a new cake (I’m not even really a sweet tooth person). I didn’t understand it at first, but after doing it repeatedly, I began to love it. There’s something so comforting about going into an intimate café, ordering a coffee and a slice of cake and chatting with your friends. I feel so European. We would always try a new café and (for me) a new cake.

I was pushing out of my comfort zone and experiencing new things…and unsurprisingly, I was loving them.

I guess my new café obsession is really just a huge metaphor for how my 2018 has been going thus far. On January 1st 2018 (actually more like January 2nd because I was in the air on the first), I made a list of things I wanted for 2018, your standard New Year’s Resolution shit – but unlike other years, where my list was filled with clichéd nonsense and mundane activities such as lose weight … save money … study hard (not that these things aren’t important…but these are the same resolutions I have every year), my resolutions were to build my confidence and embrace who I fully am (this included wearing my natural hair out…which I basically haven’t ever done since I was maybe 3 or 4 years old…and now I’m almost 5 months in) and getting out of my comfort zone.

The other difference in my resolutions was that I decided that I would make an active an conscious effort to fulfill these goals…meaning that, every decision I made, I had to ensure that it was somehow fulfilling these resolutions…and so I did. I continually said to myself: 2018 will be my year, it will be the beginning of amazing things in all aspects of my life…but I didn’t know how exactly. I was just convinced that if I kept repeating it, it would happen.

And yes, 2018 has been completely different than other years. It has gone completely different than I imagined; for example, I thought I would figure out how to style my natural hair and that it would be fun and look good on me. Wrong. I still don’t know how to style it (4 months in), most styles look terrible on me…my hair shrinkage is massive and a huge chunk of my hair broke in the middle. I’ve been trying to do combovers but it looks terrible. Sigh, another story for another day. That’s just my hair problems, I have a list of things that have gone terribly wrong this year.

Despite these setbacks, I do feel like I have learned so much. I have pushed myself outside of my comfort zone, gotten a lot comfortable with myself, battled a bunch of my insecurities, made new friends…I even got baptized. I have let go of so many negative emotions, and each day I feel more free.

My school isn’t going as I’d like…but I’m trying to let go and let God.

So yes, cafés did change my life. I would recommend everyone to go café hopping…and leap outside of that comfort zone.

 

Why can’t we go on a date without being harassed?

Tags

blogging, czech republic, dates, dating, Europe, harassment, Karlštejn, med school, medical student, prague, relationships, sexual harassment

Today, I was reflecting on all the first dates I’ve been on…and I can say that ALL of them, with the exception of 3, had some form of harassment. Either I just happen to be extremely unlucky and have a propensity towards meeting creepy guys who feel entitled to a piece of me just because they paid for a 10 dollar lunch, or this seems to be a general tendency of most men – they don’t know how to respect women and keep their hands to themselves!

Why, of all the days, am I ranting about this? Today, I was scheduled to go on a date in Prague…well not really Prague, but a village about 40 km from Prague. It contains the biggest and most famous castle in the Czech Republic, Karlštejn (correct me if I’m wrong).  I really didn’t want to go on the date but I had been blowing the guy off for several weeks, and the weather was supposed to be nice and sunny and I was excited to see the castle. I’m a history buff, I love seeing things like this

It was my idea to see the castle (scratch that, technically, it was his idea. He had suggested it the previous weekend but I blew him off because I needed to study). I suggested the idea because when I asked him what we would be doing on the date, he said we would: take a walk in Prague, get something to drink, go to his apartment to watch Netflix, and if I “behaved” (his words), he would give me a massage.  Um, are you fucking kidding me? That sounds like a terrible date (sans walk). Why would I leave my house, take a 2 hour train ride all the way to Prague, so that I can sit in your dank apartment doing something that I could do at home without your grubby hands touching me?

Why do you feel entitled to MY body? Why do you feel like you must touch me? Why can’t we just enjoy each other’s company without it getting sexual. You barely know me and I don’t know you.

This is a general trend I see in guys. At first, I thought it was just a problem with guys my age but even when I date older men, it’s the same problem! Maybe it’s the way I dress. Maybe I wear too many miniskirts. Maybe my tops are cut too low. Maybe I carry myself with this aura of “modern sexually liberated woman” that makes guys think I like to fuck around and hop from one bed to another. Maybe it’s all that…but should it even matter?

Didn’t your parents teach you how to respect women, and even not just women, just anyone in general? How do you feel comfortable pawing at somebody you don’t even know? I really can’t just comprehend it! Why should how I dress matter? Why don’t I deserve to be treated with respect just because I don’t dress as conservatively as others?

I’m not like many people my age. I don’t like spending my weekends clubbing. I don’t like drinking like that (I’m not a huge fan of alcohol), and even though I fail at times, I really try to not let my sexual feelings allow me to make terrible decisions like: making out with some dude I barely know, letting him feel me up, having sex with someone just because I feel horny, or entertaining someone just because I feel lonely. Everyone is different and they can do what they want but I would rather spend my time: going in nature with friends, going to museums, sightseeing, reading novels in the library, or doing something athletic. You will rarely see me at a party and when you do, I’m not drinking and I’m usually the first to leave…so why people assume that I’m this party girl nympho is beyond me.

I’m not being sanctimonious but it’s really not me. I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I feel  like sex is something holy, and I don’t just want to be intimate with anyone.I want to be intimate with someone I care deeply about and want to pursue something long term with . This is why, even though I messed around with three guys (who I really had feelings for and wanted something long term with), I’ve never gone all the way.

Yes, I’ve done terrible things (terrible for me) like sending nudes to some guys in those moments of insecurity, where I felt like I needed validation. I wanted someone to tell me that I was attractive…and I thought that doing so would make them like me, but this was generally when I was younger and looking for approval (I should note, the guys I sent these to generally aren’t the guys I went out with so this is not a matter of maybe if you hadn’t sent nudes…and the guys who I did send them to that I was going out with, it was after we had been going out).

I went out with this guy once before. I really didn’t want to go on the date but I dragged myself there anyway. When he picked me up from the train station, he grabbed me by my waist and kissed me on both sides of the cheek. At first I was confused but he told me it was a cultural thing so I let it go. The date was okay but when he started hinting towards something else, I made an excuse to leave. As I was going back, he paid for my train ticket back home, which I didn’t expect and I was really thankful because I was so broke at that time. As I prepared to board the train, he grabbed me again, kissed me on both cheeks. As I was turning to leave, he twisted me around and kissed me on the lips and then stuck his tongue into my mouth.

I was extremely livid. He hadn’t asked my permission, and on top of that, his breath was odoriferous the whole date, despite him chewing how many pieces of gum? I don’t care if he was the sexiest man in the world, he hadn’t asked and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. The train was preparing to leave and I didn’t want to make a big scene  and be the stereotypical “angry black woman” so I just left. Did he think that because he paid for 10 dollar train ticket, a cheesecake (of which he ate more than half of it) and a latte that he was entitled to that right? Are my lips worth less than 20 dollars. Why did you feel comfortable kissing me when your breath stinks? Don’t you know that’s not how you should treat women? I had so many questions.

I mean, I guess some women find this romantic but I don’t! I think it’s highly disrespectful and to top it off, I don’t know where your mouth has been. This was our first time going out, and we had both agreed that we would go out as friends and see what happens.

I didn’t want to keep in contact with this guy. I despised him for what he did, yet for some weird reason I felt like I owed him. I owed him an explanation before I cut off contact. I owed him to keep in contact because he paid for my transport home and I hadn’t had any guy do something like that before. I didn’t want him to think I came and spent his less than 20 dollars (mind you, he was a full grown working man) and then just bounced…but maybe that’s what I should have done, because the more I entertained him, the more bold and raunchy he got, the more his expectations grew, the more he wanted more…hence why he was suggesting stupid things like a massage. I knew this would happen!

Earlier this year, I had gone on a few dates with a guy. After the 3rd date he asked to kiss me, he ASKED. He said: can I please kiss you. You can say no, but I would really like to. I was shocked and I felt so happy. This was the first time someone had asked. I thought it was so sweet! Can you believe it? I thought it was sweet that someone was doing what they SHOULD DO. I said no. I wanted to kiss him but I had just eaten something with onions and my breath was kicking…and on top of that, after a terrible experience I had with a guy in November/December who lied to me and treated me like shit (a story for the gods), I made a promise to my God to stop compromising my values and just wait. I didn’t want to break that promise, even though I kind of liked this guy.

He asked me a few dates later, and this time I almost gave in but I left before I did. I messaged him later saying that I really wanted to kiss him also, but if I allowed it, he would later start asking for something that I wasn’t ready to give. After that, he started ignoring all my messages and I never saw him again.

I know that there are a plethora of good guys there but I don’t seem to find them. Now, I’m just getting comfortable with myself. I am just pursuing my goals. I don’t want or have time for a boyfriend, but I do want male friends, that’s all, friends. Sometimes I need a break from females. I already know that I can’t date be in a serious relationship with a guy who I wasn’t good friends with beforehand. Anything romantic that will start must start from friendship for me.

So my question is, is this just a me thing or has anyone else experienced something similar?

Oh, and I ended up not going on the date with this guy to Karlštejn. Last minute I messaged him and lied. I should have just told him the truth, but I didn’t even know where to start…and to be fair, if it wasn’t for this huge flaw, this guy would be someone that I would be really interested in. He’s very thoughtful, kind, and caring (asking how your day was, remembering little details you told him, volunteering to help). Maybe if I just told him, we could work something out, but I’m just a fucking chicken.

Fighting for my life

Tags

christian, Christianity, Depression, despair, Emotions, faith, feeling lonely, life, Lonliness, med school, med school blues, mental health, my walk with God, relationships, thoughts

Since 2nd year of med school started, everything felt so off. Nothing felt right. I could never motivate myself to do anything. I always procrastinated. I wouldn’t study for any exam until the morning off. I never kept up with my work. My life just felt out of balance…and it still does. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

In October, I felt like there was this battle for my life and I was losing it…and now I don’t know if it’s too late, or I can do something about it. It’s really indescribable. I want to tell my mother, but I don’t want to worry her, and I don’t think she would understand.

I wish I had someone to pray with me every day. I just feel so lost. My relationship with God is so off. In the summer, I was reading my Bible, praying, and journaling every day. I spent at least 2 hours a day in his presence and it made such a huge difference. Now I find myself re-fighting old demons. I haven’t been to church or opened my Bible in months.

God, can you hear me? What are these feelings I’m experiencing? Can you help me? My soul is crying out. I feel this huge void in my life, this emptiness in my spirit…and I’m trying to fill it with all sorts of things and everything leaves me feeling worse off. They don’t even offer a temporary peace. God I need you. I want to be close to you, closer than ever before, but I can’t shake this feeling of despair. I feel so separated. Come back to me. Help me.

Commencement again???

Tags

blogging, let's connect, med school, muses, musing, writers, writing

Every few months, I begin blogging, quit for a while then resolve to begin again…and most importantly, to be consistent! Of course, it never happens. Why would it be any different this time? I really want to try though. What are some tips to be consistent in your blogging? Reasons why I fall off quickly:

 

• I get discouraged – Whenever I re-begin to blog, it’s always after a long time of not blogging. A lot of notable things happen during this time period and when I come back, I have so much I want to write…but trying to cover every funny, interesting, and stupid story that happens becomes quite tasking and then I just give up. I could tell you about how I got accepted into med school. I could tell you how I wasted 10,000 dollars in 3 months. I could tell you how I dated a guy who was a certified psycho. I could tell you how a man tried to force me to give him a blow job, and when I said no, he grabbed my head and forced it down on his penis. I could tell you how I spent the weekend at the family house of a guy that I met on the plane…so many stories, so little time.
• I feel like I don’t have enough time. Even though I waste an immense amount on time on stupid things, such as social media, when it comes to something productive, I feel like the time isn’t enough.
• Sometimes I feel pressured…like I have to write something profound or thought provoking, not just my daily muses. I read blogs with people writing all these inspirational stories and then mine is just like: today, I ate bread, I feel guilty.
• I don’t like writing walls of texts. I wish I was creative enough to mix up my blog and have some videos, photos, texts…etc…but everything just turns out to be a wall of text. Who wants to read that?

 

But I will continue. I will try to blog and try to mix it up. My goal is to blog twice a week. I hope I can do that. If you have any tips on how to stay on track while blogging, let me know! I’d like to connect with fellow bloggers and aspiring writers.