Tags
blogging, czech republic, dates, dating, Europe, harassment, Karlštejn, med school, medical student, prague, relationships, sexual harassment
Today, I was reflecting on all the first dates I’ve been on…and I can say that ALL of them, with the exception of 3, had some form of harassment. Either I just happen to be extremely unlucky and have a propensity towards meeting creepy guys who feel entitled to a piece of me just because they paid for a 10 dollar lunch, or this seems to be a general tendency of most men – they don’t know how to respect women and keep their hands to themselves!
Why, of all the days, am I ranting about this? Today, I was scheduled to go on a date in Prague…well not really Prague, but a village about 40 km from Prague. It contains the biggest and most famous castle in the Czech Republic, Karlštejn (correct me if I’m wrong). I really didn’t want to go on the date but I had been blowing the guy off for several weeks, and the weather was supposed to be nice and sunny and I was excited to see the castle. I’m a history buff, I love seeing things like this
It was my idea to see the castle (scratch that, technically, it was his idea. He had suggested it the previous weekend but I blew him off because I needed to study). I suggested the idea because when I asked him what we would be doing on the date, he said we would: take a walk in Prague, get something to drink, go to his apartment to watch Netflix, and if I “behaved” (his words), he would give me a massage. Um, are you fucking kidding me? That sounds like a terrible date (sans walk). Why would I leave my house, take a 2 hour train ride all the way to Prague, so that I can sit in your dank apartment doing something that I could do at home without your grubby hands touching me?
Why do you feel entitled to MY body? Why do you feel like you must touch me? Why can’t we just enjoy each other’s company without it getting sexual. You barely know me and I don’t know you.
This is a general trend I see in guys. At first, I thought it was just a problem with guys my age but even when I date older men, it’s the same problem! Maybe it’s the way I dress. Maybe I wear too many miniskirts. Maybe my tops are cut too low. Maybe I carry myself with this aura of “modern sexually liberated woman” that makes guys think I like to fuck around and hop from one bed to another. Maybe it’s all that…but should it even matter?
Didn’t your parents teach you how to respect women, and even not just women, just anyone in general? How do you feel comfortable pawing at somebody you don’t even know? I really can’t just comprehend it! Why should how I dress matter? Why don’t I deserve to be treated with respect just because I don’t dress as conservatively as others?
I’m not like many people my age. I don’t like spending my weekends clubbing. I don’t like drinking like that (I’m not a huge fan of alcohol), and even though I fail at times, I really try to not let my sexual feelings allow me to make terrible decisions like: making out with some dude I barely know, letting him feel me up, having sex with someone just because I feel horny, or entertaining someone just because I feel lonely. Everyone is different and they can do what they want but I would rather spend my time: going in nature with friends, going to museums, sightseeing, reading novels in the library, or doing something athletic. You will rarely see me at a party and when you do, I’m not drinking and I’m usually the first to leave…so why people assume that I’m this party girl nympho is beyond me.
I’m not being sanctimonious but it’s really not me. I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I feel like sex is something holy, and I don’t just want to be intimate with anyone.I want to be intimate with someone I care deeply about and want to pursue something long term with . This is why, even though I messed around with three guys (who I really had feelings for and wanted something long term with), I’ve never gone all the way.
Yes, I’ve done terrible things (terrible for me) like sending nudes to some guys in those moments of insecurity, where I felt like I needed validation. I wanted someone to tell me that I was attractive…and I thought that doing so would make them like me, but this was generally when I was younger and looking for approval (I should note, the guys I sent these to generally aren’t the guys I went out with so this is not a matter of maybe if you hadn’t sent nudes…and the guys who I did send them to that I was going out with, it was after we had been going out).
I went out with this guy once before. I really didn’t want to go on the date but I dragged myself there anyway. When he picked me up from the train station, he grabbed me by my waist and kissed me on both sides of the cheek. At first I was confused but he told me it was a cultural thing so I let it go. The date was okay but when he started hinting towards something else, I made an excuse to leave. As I was going back, he paid for my train ticket back home, which I didn’t expect and I was really thankful because I was so broke at that time. As I prepared to board the train, he grabbed me again, kissed me on both cheeks. As I was turning to leave, he twisted me around and kissed me on the lips and then stuck his tongue into my mouth.
I was extremely livid. He hadn’t asked my permission, and on top of that, his breath was odoriferous the whole date, despite him chewing how many pieces of gum? I don’t care if he was the sexiest man in the world, he hadn’t asked and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. The train was preparing to leave and I didn’t want to make a big scene and be the stereotypical “angry black woman” so I just left. Did he think that because he paid for 10 dollar train ticket, a cheesecake (of which he ate more than half of it) and a latte that he was entitled to that right? Are my lips worth less than 20 dollars. Why did you feel comfortable kissing me when your breath stinks? Don’t you know that’s not how you should treat women? I had so many questions.
I mean, I guess some women find this romantic but I don’t! I think it’s highly disrespectful and to top it off, I don’t know where your mouth has been. This was our first time going out, and we had both agreed that we would go out as friends and see what happens.
I didn’t want to keep in contact with this guy. I despised him for what he did, yet for some weird reason I felt like I owed him. I owed him an explanation before I cut off contact. I owed him to keep in contact because he paid for my transport home and I hadn’t had any guy do something like that before. I didn’t want him to think I came and spent his less than 20 dollars (mind you, he was a full grown working man) and then just bounced…but maybe that’s what I should have done, because the more I entertained him, the more bold and raunchy he got, the more his expectations grew, the more he wanted more…hence why he was suggesting stupid things like a massage. I knew this would happen!
Earlier this year, I had gone on a few dates with a guy. After the 3rd date he asked to kiss me, he ASKED. He said: can I please kiss you. You can say no, but I would really like to. I was shocked and I felt so happy. This was the first time someone had asked. I thought it was so sweet! Can you believe it? I thought it was sweet that someone was doing what they SHOULD DO. I said no. I wanted to kiss him but I had just eaten something with onions and my breath was kicking…and on top of that, after a terrible experience I had with a guy in November/December who lied to me and treated me like shit (a story for the gods), I made a promise to my God to stop compromising my values and just wait. I didn’t want to break that promise, even though I kind of liked this guy.
He asked me a few dates later, and this time I almost gave in but I left before I did. I messaged him later saying that I really wanted to kiss him also, but if I allowed it, he would later start asking for something that I wasn’t ready to give. After that, he started ignoring all my messages and I never saw him again.
I know that there are a plethora of good guys there but I don’t seem to find them. Now, I’m just getting comfortable with myself. I am just pursuing my goals. I don’t want or have time for a boyfriend, but I do want male friends, that’s all, friends. Sometimes I need a break from females. I already know that I can’t date be in a serious relationship with a guy who I wasn’t good friends with beforehand. Anything romantic that will start must start from friendship for me.
So my question is, is this just a me thing or has anyone else experienced something similar?
Oh, and I ended up not going on the date with this guy to Karlštejn. Last minute I messaged him and lied. I should have just told him the truth, but I didn’t even know where to start…and to be fair, if it wasn’t for this huge flaw, this guy would be someone that I would be really interested in. He’s very thoughtful, kind, and caring (asking how your day was, remembering little details you told him, volunteering to help). Maybe if I just told him, we could work something out, but I’m just a fucking chicken.