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addiction, addictions, bad habits, blogging, christian, Christianity, coping, coping mechanisms, Czech, czech republic, Europe, failure, fear, fear of failure, God, journaling, med school, med school blues, med student, medical school, medical student, mental health, student, study, studying
I find myself stumbling into old bad habits again. I told myself at the start of the new year that these habits were gone for good but I only managed to last four months, and now I’m back.
I have so much pressure on my shoulders. School really just feels overwhelming. I have more final exams than everyone else, but I also happen to have the least motivation and be the least studious. No matter how much I try every day, something distracts me from studying. Even when I cut out the distractions like social media, something else always comes up – someone needs help with this, I need to do that…etc.
When I do manage to study, I sit there for hours and I get so little done. I enjoy what I study, I understand it, but it takes me a long time. When I finish a topic, I don’t review it, so I begin to forget.
Final exams are approaching rapidly and I’m naturally slipping into old destructive habits as a coping mechanism. I don’t know how to break this never chain. I’ve done everything I think I can. I’ve prayed, I’ve removed the triggers, I’ve done 21 day challenges, I’ve done so many things, but somehow, I always go back. These habits are so damaging to my self esteem, to other people’s emotions and trust, and they just hamper every aspect of my life.
I’ve been praying about everything, sometimes seriously, sometimes not…I’m so afraid that God has brought me here just to leave me. I don’t want that to happen. I enjoy my program, finally, I’m doing something I love. I found my old diary and it was just a whirlwind of emotions.
This time, about 2014, I should have been preparing to graduate from my undergrad, but my grades were terrible, I didn’t finish my courses, so I knew I had to spend at least an extra 2 years. I was so depressed. I was writing in my journal what possibilities lay ahead after graduation.
Some of my plans:
ns included applying to med school and moving to the Czech Republic. My grades weren’t good enough for any med school and I didn’t even know what I would be doing in the Czech Republic. I was so worried, but my mom kept telling me not to worry that God would work it out. I forgot about those plans, and somehow, when I finished in 2016, I had no clue what to do. My mom and I sat down one day to plan the possible options for me. One was med school, again, but I knew my grades weren’t good enough. I started looking for schools abroad and came across this one. This was the only school where I wasn’t too late to apply and still had a chance to do the entrance exam.
The entrance exam was one month away, and I barely had a chance to study for it…but God worked everything out and I made the cut off by just one point…My interviewer was amazing and I got accepted. IT really was just God because I DID NOT DESERVE TO BE ACCEPTED HERE IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM.
I didn’t even deserve to make it through first year…and I worked my ass off in first year. I had no life, all I did was study study study, and I barely just managed to finish my exams in time, even with how much effort I put in. I was slapped with so many failures in first year that I just learned to take them and keep rolling.
Now in second year, despite my desire not to slack, I’m slacking. I do well on all my tests and exams but I know I am in no way prepared for the finals due to my fault. I’m so scared. There’s so much to complete and so little time. I wish I could just block everyone out and focus on my studies…and I’m really anal when it comes to studying. I want to know everything about what I’m studying and to truly understand it (not cram/memorize) so it takes me so long.
This year, I’ve also been struggling with feeling God’s presence. From the start of the 2nd year, I felt like God abandoned me. In first year, especially during the summer, I felt God so close. I would spend hours doing my devotions every day, crying out to God, and I really felt his presence. I would spend hours studying the word…not reading, studying…and i would always journal what I felt God was speaking to me. As soon as I finished my exams, I felt like God left me.
Rather than being happy I had made it into 2nd year, I felt alone and depressed. I felt so lonely. I just felt this heaviness in my heart that I couldn’t shake. I tried everything, spending more time in the word, and when that didn’t work, spending so much money buying myself new things…but I just felt empty. The whole year I’ve been feeling empty. I’ve joined Bible study groups, I’ve been doing devotions, I go to church more…and I still feel like God has abandoned me.
God, why did you leave me??? I feel like he has brought me this far and I am scared he’s going to leave me. I am scared he won’t see me through my finals. I’m scared I’ll be a failure, I’m afraid of everything…
I don’t really have anyone to talk about this with except my brother. I feel my conversations with everyone else are just shallow because I don’t even know where to begin. Today, I was talking to a friend from back home and he told me that the company he works at is shutting down in May so he won’t have a job…and I realized just how selfish I’ve been. My oldest brother is also trying to find a job and make sense of his life…everyone I know is battling something…and I’m here thinking about myself.