Tags
beauty, catfishing, confidence, Depression, Emotions, Fashion, Feeling Good, Friends, Friendship, German Music, health, Lonliness, mental health, Psychology
Hi everyone,
Sorry I haven’t been blogging lately, I’ve been extremely busy with: getting settled into school life, making new friends, trying to find a new place to move to, and trying to sort things out with that guy I catfished…who eventually found out and still accepted me (the story is so juicy…but I’m waiting to see how things play out before I tell everything). Now, I’m going to try to blog once or twice a week.
I just want to give you a few updates on what has been going on, with regards to my self confidence. I can honestly say that: making one good friend changes everything. This summer, I was taking intersession courses at the university instead of going home. The two “friends” (if you can call them that) that I had made during the school year had all gone to their respective homes for the summer. I tried to keep in contact with them and ask them how they were doing throughout the summer (I don’t want to be that friend that never keeps in contact), but one of them just didn’t respond…the other responded at first, then she started ignoring me…Now, whenever I see her at school, she just puts her headphones in and walks by as though she didn’t see me. I’ve tried to ask her what’s up, if I did anything wrong, I’ve even apologized for whatever I may have done to her that I’m unaware of…but she never responds or replies my messages. Anyway, that’s not the story at hand.
During the summer, I was extremely lonely. Even when I finished my summer courses, despite the severity of my loneliness and depression, I was hesitant to return home because I felt like a failure. I didn’t have any friends here at school, I didn’t have internet or a tv at home to distract me, all I had were novels which I signed out from the library(I love reading) and working out to distract me. To also help with distraction, I had a brand new limited edition Schwinn bike which my parents had bought for me when they came to visit. I would ride this bike across the city at odd hours of the day (I was basically always riding this bike). I would ride for long hours, spend time thinking and contemplating issues…or just rode for fun or to the grocery store. Then, my bike got stolen by some perverted old jackass (I see this thief riding on it on a weekly basis), so once my bike was gone, I became depressed again as it was something that kept me busy and a way for me to think about other things.
Unknown to me, there was a girl who was also taking summer classes and, she noticed that I was always by myself…She felt bad for me, she didn’t like that I was always alone…and it seemed like I had no friends, so one day while we were in the student center, she came to talk to me. She didn’t approach me in a manner that was typical. She was on the computer, I was a few computers down from her…she came to me and asked my opinion on some hair extensions she wanted to buy. She later on told me that she did this intentionally. She asked as though she genuinely valued my opinion…so I showed her some sites I shop at…etc, and we ended up sending the whole night talking, looking for things on Aliexpress, and just having a good time. She was so kind to me. She even gave me some of her dinner…and this was the first time we had met. After that, we exchanged numbers and started hanging out all the time.
I fell in love with her. She was so caring and so kind. She would always bring me food that she bought or food that she cooked. One time, I told her I was craving Nigerian food so she made me: Nigerian fried rice, meat pies, chow mein, and chicken. She would drop me at home after school when I studied late at night. She would give me advice…everything. Even though we had only hung out a few times (and only at school), she invited me to several weddings that she was going to that summer. I felt so special. She was the type of friend that I always wanted and the type of friend that I sought to be like. I later found out that she lived in Germany for most of her life, and this made our friendship even more special because I speak German quite proficiently, and I had been looking for someone to practice with.
When my catfish guy found out that I was catfishing him, and confronted me about it…I felt my heart drop into my stomach. In the past, when I had catfished guys and they found out, I would immediately just delete their contact and everything from my phone, computer, or whatever and block them…so that I didn’t have to deal with explanations…but with this guy, I couldn’t do that. I felt so horrible and I wanted to explain everything to him but I didn’t have the courage.
The only person I felt I could turn to was her. Even though my mom is my closest friend, I didn’t feel like I could tell her. I knew she would just say, forget about it and move on. She’s very wary of the whole online dating or online friendship thing. I turned to my new closest friend…and I explained to her how whenever I was depressed or felt insecure, I would catfish. I explained to her how I felt ugly, like I was not pretty. I told her all the flaws about myself. I told her about the relationship I had had with this guy for the past few months. She was very attentive and caring. She pointed out all the features in me that were good…features that I failed to see. She told me that I had to tell the guy the truth, that everything would be okay. That I had to ask the guy to forgive me…That I had to call him. She told me that everything would be okay
I was so afraid but I knew it was the right thing to do. She was there with me when I called him and asked for his forgiveness. He said he wasn’t angry and he forgave me. He said we was so grateful that I helped him improve his English a lot. I thought that would be the end of that guy…but she told me that he would come back, sure enough…he did. He started messaging me every day. He wanted to know why I did what I did. He asked for my photos and for my name. He said we should just forget about everything and start afresh. He gave me another chance…and even now, we are more close than ever.
This friend did so much more for me than that. She noticed how insecure I was and started taking me to the mall. Knowing how I was trying to limit my budget, she took me to the inexpensive places and watched me pick clothes. It was then that we both discovered that I have a really good fashion sense…and if I had access to stores more often, I would dress better. I bought a few clothes and accessories for under 50 dollars. From then on, she took me to the mall a few more times. The better I started dressing, the more confident I felt. Guys noticed me, really noticed me. Guys asked and still ask me out…even guys who were in relationships…and it’s not like I’m even wearing makeup, I just wear eyeliner and a bit of mascara, my acne scars still show, my discolorations still show…but still they notice me. I used to always hide my body under baggy clothes (because I felt insecure about my body) like over sized t-shirts and sweatpants…but now, I show off my best features, my legs, my shoulders…etc. People are always complimenting me on what a great body I have, and how I look so athletic. Even the one girl, that I considered to be more beautiful than any girl I have seen, came up to me and said: “I wish I had your body. I go to the gym, I can’t get this body.”
I also stopped being less shy and more open with people. I would just go up randomly and talk to people, be nice, and smile a lot…and through this I made a lot of acquaintances and even some friends…and even with the way my personality is, I managed to get discounts on a lot of things for my friends and I just by being really kind and taking the first step. I felt so confident in myself that I even went and bought myself my first bikini…something I thought I would never do because I thought it wouldn’t look good on me
She even started picking me up every Sunday and taking me to her church. She told me that I’m the only one she hangs out with after school. Every morning she messages me in German to ask how I’m doing. Every day, she gives me compliments and points out features in myself that I’ve never noticed before. I feel my confidence rising…not to the point of arrogant…but to the point where I feel like God didn’t make a mistake when he made me. Every day, she confesses something positive about me. She says everything that I’ve lost in the past will come back 10000 times better. Every bad thing that has happened to me will be turned around for good. She is literally the best friend I have ever had.
When my summer was just crappy, God brought this one amazing gift into my life. I am so grateful for her and I love her so much. The way she has treated me makes me want to treat other people that way. I’ve decided to be to others, the type of friend that I would like to have myself…and I encourage everyone to do the same. Go out there and get yourself some amazing friends and be the type of friend that you would want to have!
Now, I’ll share some photos now that I’m more confident, lool…and I didn’t use filters or wear makeup, it’s just my camera.